Quarter Life Crisis... the post-college years

The theme of my life, besides the eternal search for happiness, has been what am I going to do with my life now that I am the proud recipient of a University diploma.

Stress stress STRESS stre-esssss.... I have been living in Spain for over a year now and it has become very obvious over the year how ingrained I am with the American ideas of success career money happiness future career path the right choice the responsible choice self motivation relationships. always moving. forward.

Ask anyone who knows me, I am a pro at vacation and living a stress free life, but the idea of heading back to Los Angeles, just the mere idea of leaving behind the life I have made in Barcelona, is constantly leaving me dragging my feet.

I have this conversation with all of my friends. We all feel like we are the only ones who feel this way, but obviously its pretty wide spread.... my sister calls it.... MY EARLY TWENTIES.

Straight A student, UC Berkeley graduate... top of my class in fact, passion for Capoeira, photography, writing, reading, learning.... I was a professional student my entire life and I learned how to do my job well.

And then,
I graduated.

Where is my big fancy job? And perfect partner? Weekly lunch with my girlfriends?

University life did such great job of getting me interested and involved in so many new topics, people, activities, within my community, yet never quite taught me how to take all this raw talent and interest and refine it. How to get a job after college 101. That should be a general requirement instead of Oceans, that physical science class I needed to graduate.

I moved to San Francisco directly after college and found a job with a company that took itself way too seriously and was all about developing raw talent.....I cried from 7am to 720am Mon-Fri to my mother on the phone in LA for almost 6 months on the trolley car ride to work... Never take a job that even has the words COLD CALLING in the description.

Needless to say I peaced out for Spain.
I've been told many times that it was brave of me to move here, with no job, no ... anything.

It was probably the easiest decision of my life.

and it was time... to FIND MYSELF

My very own Eat Pray Love, less yoga, more tapas and beer.

I went from sports and academics to being a cliche English teacher (with the best students ever who I am actually obsessed with and their amazingly kind parents who semi take me in as their daughter) and international party girl working in Club party promotions with international DJs and music groups. Seeing more night than daylight gets old. Waking up at 3pm gets old.

The worst part is, people here think of me as a party girl and nothing more. And I'm afraid that is what I am becoming. Learning Spanish, reading books in Spanish, ... doing everything in another language, is a dream come true. It's an extra tinge of flare that makes every day here more exciting then in America.

But I still haven't "found myself"... who even came up with that idea? It was definitely a creation of a marketing director who was selling travels to far off places, and a book deal.

So the crisis is how to motivate when there is no external motivation here, when I have no friend to go on a run with me or go to a cafe and blog or journal or paint with me. But do I go home if I am not finished here?

How do I know when I'm finished? Everyday I choose to stay, I open the door to possibilities here, and close doors to all the possibilities in every other city in the world. To a different boyfriend, a new job, one that might even forward my "career", to meeting new friends in my home town, to learning a different language or culture or person....

After I talk to every one of my friends, and sisters, and parents, I then like to think to myself, what would some of those old men who play cricket on the grass by Arc de Triomf or on Passeig de Sant Joan... what would they tell me to do, after having seen it all. And I always come up with"

I have my whole life ahead of me to find a long term career, the perfect job (if it even exists), time to find the perfect man, time for a doctorate, for a family... stop wasting time worrying when ....

it is being YOUNG that is the only thing I can't get back later.

Post-college is not so much a crisis, it's realizing we are finally free to make our own decisions, sometimes big ones, ones that effect other people, some times small ones that just leave a momentary sweetness on your lips.

Turning 25 is a gift. My cousin died when he was 24, I could live a complete life without ever having a "serious job" but I could never live a complete life without taking the time out for me to travel, to love, to explore, to be selfish at times, to be independent of my family, to be connected with my family, to create relationships, and so

I redeclare these years, the best of my life, and I live them now, no regrets.

Cheers.